Hard, But Worth It.

Remember last post when I was starting the Body for Life?
Well that didn't happen.
In reality, I knew it wouldn't happen. My mom wasn't ready to do it and I wasn't committed. You would think I would be.
My friend is starting a simple fitness program based on her Sister-In-Law's ideas and it seems like a good plan. (you can find it here! and here!)
The only problem I have is that I don't have a scale in my house. Which is a problem for me. I should purchase one.
I just need to write down what I eat. I like to eat about 6 times a day. Small meals one at 7, 9, 11, 1, 3 and around 5 or 6. I love eating this way, because I never get truly hungry. I will eat pretty good everyday except Friday. FREE DAY! Best day of the week. Actually I have been doing that (not writing it down) and as the weeks went on, I was eating junk because... if I didn't eat it today then I couldn't eat it another time. Not because I wanted it. That was actually a good feeling. Time to get back into that!
I am also going to try and at the very least go on a 30 minute walk each day. I should run as often as I can as I am running a Ragnar in a few weeks, but... I don't have enough time. Working 3 jobs takes quite a big chunk of time out of each day!

Day 1: Body for Life

Day 1:

My mom and I are starting the "Body for Life" program today. 

It is a 12 week program that helps you get your life and body in shape. 

To start this out, I have started reading the book Body for Life and it asks some questions that help me to find my reasons for creating a better body and life for myself.

When you look at yourself, do you honestly like what you see?

Not really. I like parts of myself, but most of the time when I see myself in the mirror, I look for the good as well as the bad. Yet I see more bad than good. I remember a time, not too long ago, where I looked exactly how I wanted to, I felt wonderful. I could go where I wanted and I didn't want to eat everything in site, but it was ok if I wanted ice cream or some cookies. Now, when I am eating ice cream I think about how disappointed I will be when I look in the mirror. While I know I look fine, I know I can feel better about myself. 

How do you feel deep down inside?

I feel lazy. I don't want to have the small belly I have developed. I don't feel good about the way I look and want to feel comfortable in every article of clothing in my wardrobe. 

How do you really feel about yourself?

Disappointed. I know I can do better, but I haven't been trying to be healthy, I just haven't cared. It is time to change that. I am ready to love myself and be able to do all the things I want to do!

Are you confident, energetic, and strong?

I have outward confidence. I have some energy. But I wish I was stronger. I need to feel confident when I am by myself. I need the energy and gumption to get up and work. I need to be strong.

Do you often wonder if you're on the right path?

I know that I am making good decisions as far as "major life" choices. But in the small/large things like eating healthy, these are the decisions that are a little harder. 

What are the pros and cons of continuing in the direction you're going?

If I continue I will be able to watch TV whenever I want, I will be fine for a while. But If I continue to eat the way I am I will become a fat young adult who doesn't want to do anything but eat and watch TV. That is not what I want to do with my life. I want to be athletic, outgoing, confident. 

Would you like to create a brighter future

Everyday.

"When  you answer these questions, your reasons for making the decisions to change will become clear. When they do, wright them down on a piece of paper, and read what you've written first thing in the morning and again at night before you go to sleep. Do this every day throughout your 12-week Program. These reasons will remain your guiding light, your beacon, during the journey you have now decided to begin."

My reasons for change?

• Ongoing confidence
• Satisfaction with myself and my choices
• A way to keep my body strong and active my entire life

Next question.
What are the five most important  specific accomplishments you need to make, within the next 12 weeks, for you to be pleased with the progress of your body and life?
Within in 12 weeks I want to:

1. Feel comfortable in my new Nightwing shirt
2. Want to excersize
3. Lose 15-20 lbs
4. Feel comfortable with myself when I sit down
5. Not have a belly

Now I have my goals. I know what I want. I can achieve it. I have the means, the ability, the will power, and the support.
It is hard to put my feelings and what I truly want on a blog. I don't know who reads it but I don't want sympathy, or people telling me I am fine the way I am. I already know I am fine. I just want to be better.

"The worst enemy of great is good." 

I can be better than I am, and that is a goal I can strive for to be my best self.

"They Cannot Fall"

I am so blessed.

My Father in Heaven keeps sending me blessings, left and right, up and down, sideways and crossways. Even diagonal.

I have a new plan that encompasses everything I have been wanting to do for the past few months. I have an interview for an additional job that I want. I will be starting a new chapter in my life.

Just when I was getting discouraged, starting to give up. And BAM!

Blessings!

With God all things are possible. I can do anything. Because I have God on my side.

27 And Jesus looking upon them saith, With men it is impossible, but not with God: for with God all things are possible.

Mark 10:27

 

Because what I am going to do, I cannot do on my own. I could try and fail.

Not with God.

 

12 And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind,  yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall. 

Helaman 5:12 

 

Cannot: to be unable to do otherwise than

If you follow Christ, there is no possible way that you can stray or fall away from the path. It is impossible. You CANNOT.

And so I will succeed.



“I’d much rather watch football than football.” -- Jarod Kintz

While I didn't wink at anyone (like I had promised) I did go to a Slip-n-Slide social for the institute on Saturday. I met my friend Miah there and we went down the slid a few times, which was awesome. Then played soccer.
Never before have I been that aggressive in any team sport I have ever played. And I had a BLAST! WE played for 2 hours! I did hurt my ankle, but it was so worth it!
I told Miah to let me know next time he has a co ed soccer game.
Speaking of Soccer, I am reading Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone and Hagrid was talking about Soccer. O_o He should be saying Football. I remember when the books were coming out, I had to wait a few extra weeks because they had to go through the book and change some of the words. Then a few years ago I read the British version Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, to me it just seemed more magical. I would love to read all of the books as they were written, none of the words changed.

I started watching Smallville again, picking up where I left off. I am starting to remember why I stopped watching. I have heard that the middle seasons 4 and 5 got a little raunchy. So far... I have heard correctly. I am going to have to start censoring my episodes I watch, reading the synopsis first and then either watching the episode or just sticking with the synopsis. Because some of these, don't seem to have any value to the story... *sigh* at least I have the ability to sensor them myself!

Spinach Puffs

I sometimes get brilliant ideas of what to write about on her...
But then I go to sleep.
Amazing idea's always happen right as I am getting into bed, and by that time I am worn out from the day. I wonder if I could write them all down quickly... only if I invented a short hand! Or just learned short hand!

Maybe I will, that would be cool, then I could write as fast as I wanted, really. or at least as fast as I am thinking.
And now we are talking about waxing... hmmm.
aaaaaaaaaaand.............. Bored.

"You Are A Go Getter" "I Did Not Know That!"

I went to Institute last night with the intent of making some friends.

I left with a better picture of what I am doing in my life.

And what I need to keep doing. 

So I am going to be a little bit bored, hey, Jack, that never hurt anyone!

I can find ways to make life interesting til this stage is over. 

I can grow spiritually and mentally . I can improve myself as I work toward my ultimate goal  of:

No more Debt would be best. For everyone. 

But especially for me. 

But I guess,   no good deed goes unpunished. 

But I also need to remember: No good deed goes unblessed. 

God is more powerful than any debt collector. 

More powerful than a locomotive.

Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.

And able to give second chances to everyone. 

Our God is a God of second chances. 

Tiptoe Higher

You know, doing things for other people just because you can, feels excellent. 

Sometimes the things people do disgust me.

You can find kindness in the oddest places. 

Drawing is amazing.

Today I feel Roman.

And Bored. 

I wish I lived next to a Forever 21. 

I want to play my Viola. 

And the Piano... and the Cello and my flute.

I want to live near  some friends that I can do things with all the time.

And not have it be just a one-sided friendship. Equal effort on both sides.

Maybe I will get that when Renee comes home. If I can convince her to come live with me!

Probably not.

Imagine Dragons is awesome.

My thoughts are disjointed.

But this is nice to just type what I am thinking without having to put it together.

I like having everything on the right side of the page.

Nice

Time for a nap. 

Hope Burns Bright!

The greatest enemy is not outside.

The greatest enemy is inside. 

The natural man.

Reminds me of a quote by Lemony Snicket.

Many old folktales portray Death as a cloaked figure who knocks on the doors of the souls he has come to whisk away, but that is not always the way of the world.  Sometimes Death may approach the door very slowly and very loudly, so that by the time he knocks everyone in the neighborhood is aware of his approach, or he may prefer to pick the lock of your kitchen until you stroll downstairs in your bathrobe and learn that he has been waiting for you, sitting in your favorite chair and rearranging your silverware when he got bored

Trouble and Death seem to have similar habits. 

Sometimes Trouble will march up,  one-man-band style, guns a blazing. 

Other times, he is a thief in the night, kidnapping all of the good luck that was waiting for you and taking it's place in a crude impersonation of something it can only aspire to be.  

Perhaps I  am thinking of this the wrong way,

Maybe  Trouble is a friend just trying to  give me a fighting chance.

But Death  and Trouble are different. 

Death is a release from this life and your path to the next, where we will get to be with God.

Trouble and Hope should be compared. Like twins, different sides of the same coin. 

Hope can brighten a day like  the first rays of sunshine in the morning. Where Trouble  can plunge everything into darkness, a cloud of ash trying to smother.

But , that same ash brings new life, sweeter life. As it sinks into the ground it become an excellent fertilizer for the hope that begins to break through the dirt.

Paint it Red. Paint it Blue

There are some things in my life that are there because they are convenient. I do them every day because that is what I have been doing and I am content to continue doing them. 

It is easy to not change.

But that doesn't necessarily mean it is right. 

Especially when I am feeling the way I am right now.

I need change in my life. 

I don't want things to stay the same.

I want a little mix up, and if it helps me get my loans paid off faster...

All in a days work.

Having loans is seriously the worst. I want them paid off as fast as I can, then my money I earn will be just that. MINE! 

There was a General Conference talk a while back that talked about debt being like prison. Recently that is all I can think of. How trapped I am because I owe money to someone else. 

There is only one way out that I can see. Pay it off. Do it now. As fast as I can!

If I make the change I am thinking of doing... well, maybe I can get it paid off faster!

Open To The Greatest Change

So far the plan seems to be:

"Stay put and do the same thing every day for the next year."

Well thanks, but that is what I did last year! I am not really looking forward to another year of the same thing every day.

So what am I going to do to shake it up?

Today I hoolahooped for 14:09.1 minutes. 

I have a goal to draw something every day. 

I am going to institute this week to meet some new people. 

I guess I have a discovered a weakness I have.

Well, yes, but in reality it is boredom. 

Being so incredibly bored and having no one around to break it up. No one around me to say 

"Hey, Jack! You're fine! Keep up the good work!"

I have myself. 

And to be honest, pep-talking yourself is no fun.

:P

But what I am feeling is more than boredom. 

My heart is broken.

Not by someone, just -- is.

I Know Where I've Been

I can safely say I have no idea where my life is going. 

Sure, I still have plans, and I am going to stick with them, but that doesn't mean things are going to go the way I plan. 

Probably not, actually.

And I am fine with that. 

My Father in Heaven will not let my life be limited by other people's choices. Perhaps plan A does not work out. He has a plan B, C, D, E, F, maybe even G. I am in good hands. 

A Day Like Any Other

The day started just like every other. Cold bus stop. Warm coat. Noisy bus. Crowded school. Comfortable classes. Great friends.
It was just a normal day for Clarissa.
That is until 7th period, when the events to change her life were set in motion.
Honors Science was the easiest class she and her friends had ever taken. Their teacher was more suited to teach elementary children than Jr. high schoolers. But no one minded the movies they watched or the pictures they drew, 7th period was fun!
Everyone knows that getting to leave class early is the best part of any day, and it is even better if you are authorized by the school to do it!
All the band kids in 7th period honors science left 10 minutes early so they could get to class on time. Walking together to the band room, friendships grew, bonds were made and life was good.
Esther, Alan, David, Hugo and Clarissa .
What a team they made.
"Can you believe we graduate 8th grade next month?" Esther exclaimed skipping backwards to talk to her friends.
"Yeah, then we won't have to walk to the high school anymore. We'll GO to high school!" Wide arms showed David's excitement at the prospect of high school.
"What classes are you taking, Clarissa?" Alan asked her.
"Well, I signed up for band, obviously." She waved her hand as if this were obvious.
"Really, I don't think I am going to play anymore."
"Oh!" A pout formed in Clarissa's lip."what if none of us have any classes together then!" She quickly forgot her pout as Esther pulled her forward to examine her new saxophone case.
"What if You and I don't have a class together." Alan said glumly to himself.

The Dog Days are Over!

Day 2: 3rd visit: 4th numothorax: 1st solution!
Here's the story. (It's a good one!)
Monday morning my mom noticed she was coughing every time she stood up. A phone call and a nurse later she went to the instacare for an x-ray.
The x-ray was sent and the doctor ordered another x-ray for Wednesday just before her doctor appointment.
The doctor told us she had more air in her lung and should have surgery soon. He did let us know that if she wanted a second opinion, he completely understood. That was something of a relief.
Rewind to Tuesday night.
Our home teacher came over and gave my mom a blessing with my dad. In the blessing she was told she would know exactly what to do. She would know and have peace. At the time she was considering going to SLC to see a Pulmonologist, luckily we went to the doctor/surgeon first because he said not to travel, it could be extremely dangerous.
Back to the doctor appointment *fast forward*
The doctor answered every one of her questions and they scheduled her surgery for the next day (Thursday at 1:30).
Thursday morning she suddenly started having more trouble. For other procedures she had procrastinated the day away, not wanting to know what they were going to say. Thursday she was ready 5 minutes early, clean, teeth brushed, ready to go. She was confident that God knew what he was doing and he would bless her (and he did!)

The surgery went well and this is what the doctor was doing inside of her :

In the upper left hand corner is a Bleb. Yes that is the real name of it. A bleb is pretty much a type of blister on the outside of your lung. The doctor described it as "HUGE". The upper right and lower left are pictures of him taking the bleb off. The lower right picture is the hole all stapled up.

Now you may be wondering why it took 4 trys to find this.

Let me tell you!

95% of all numothorax's are in the upper part of the lungs. 4% are in the lower part. 1% is on the underside. Guess where my mom's was?

That's right. The underside, part of the 1%, right where the CAT scan couldn't find it!

Fantastic news, she shouldn't have any more problems! She will be in the hospital for a few more days and then be home and on the mend! 

Thank you for your prayers! We have felt them all month long!

Good Morning!

Happiness, I have found, is not a matter of chance.

2 Nephi 2:25 - "Adam fell that men might be, men are that they might have joy."

Joy is not elusive, not in the slightest.
My friend and I have started a wellness program, of sorts. Once a week we plan out what we are going to do, in a general sense ( it is very open as life sometimes gets in the way). Here is ours.

3 goals a week: these should be something I have been wanting to do but have not found the time.

1 hour of something new: this can just be something different, and it needs to happen every day.

20 minutes of scripture study, meditation, and exercise.

3 conscience random acts of kindness: every day

1 positive journaling experience

1 note to someone thanking or praising them.

I have done all of these things in the past without realizing I was doing them, and it makes me so proud to realize with hindsight that I have been pursuing the same course for so long.

My God is wonderful, he has blessed me with this knowledge and the ability to see the silver lining on the storm clouds of the hurricane that has surrounded me and my family. He has given me some perspective. No matter what happens today, in 10 hours it will be time for dinner, in 14 hours time for bed and tomorrow at 6 I'll wake up tomorrow knowing I did my best today and I can do my best tomorrow.
You can only make a mistake once, the second time it is a choice.
Choose to be happy.
Find joy in the journey.

Oh yeah!

Joe and I finished Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief last night!

On to Sea of Monsters!

Goal: to finish before the movie comes out!

The Joys of Hospital Living

Wow... what a week.
Last week I was sick and stayed home from work for 3 days, then it was the weekend. Yay!
So I go back to work on Monday. It felt good be back into a regular schedule.  And then around 3 my mom sends me a text:

"Back in hospital going into surgery right away"

Great.
At first I thought she was joking, no such luck.

So after work I go in and stay the night, slept for 3 hours and watched George of the Jungle and started the 5 hour Pride and Prejudice. She almost fainted while going to the bathroom. Did you know you can fit 5 people into a bathroom? Well they can and thankfully that night she was made a priority, which was saying something as that floor was full of patients.  Rough night. 

Next Day:

The surgeon comes an puts an antibiotic into her sack around her lung through her chest tube. The purpose of this is to inflame the outside of the lung and the sack around the lung to create scar tissue that will act kind of like flue, keeping the lung open so it doesn't collapse anymore.  After 2 shots of morphine, toradol, and a numbing agents provided by the doctor, her pain, on a scale from 1 to 10, was a 20.... for 45 minutes straight then it slowly, ever so slowly, went down to an 8 over the next 4 hours. 

Longest 5 hours of my life. Before bed she did go on a walk, obviously feeling much better than a few hours before. Good news is that night we both got 8 hours of sleep and we had a SUPER nice (and cute) CNA named Trinity.

The 3rd day was pretty good, she was able to go to the bathroom by herself and she went on a a few walks. The Pulminologist did order a test, which she was super afraid of because the way he described it... well it was scary.
"We are going to blow albuterol directly into your lungs and inflate them as much as they can go." He told us.  "Will I need 1 or 2 shots of morphine?" My mother asked.
After pausing he answered "Anything we do right now is going to hurt."
Way to get her excited! *eyes roll*
She asked several nurses what it was going to feel like and the one who gave her a real and truthful answer, Matt, she didn't believe. Probably because he was the one who tricked her into walking ALL THE WAY to the window her first time staying in the hospital. ;) She finally did believe the nurse from respiratory who explained it like this: "First we are going to do a nebulizer, which just is an oxygenated form of albuterol to help your lungs function better. Then we will blow air into your lungs to expand then and you will suck in and then blow out, against the air that is blowing in." And that is exactly what happened. Thankfully that didn't hurt at all, in fact she said she felt extremely good after that, like she had just got off the tredmill. Now she just has to do that 4 times a day so her lung scars in the right places. 

Today her chest tube came out and she might be able to come home! I came home this morning and slept for a few hours then went grocery shopping.

She had an x-ray but they still don't know if she will be coming home tonight or not. 

I am glad my work is being so kind. They said I could take as much time as I needed. If she has to stay in the hospital, I'll probably sleep with her tonight and then go to work in the morning, if she comes home then I'll stay and take care of her. Last time she said home was a lot harder than the hospital because everything was so much farther away. 

Lisa (our Realtor) gave me a ride home today, she commented that someone my age shouldn't have to do what I am doing for my mom, at least not yet. But here I am, having done it 3 times in the last year. I think that is ok, life experience. I am glad I have the ability to be there for my family and to help them with what ever they need. 

What to Do

Bored.

Seriously, I have nothing to do. I need the money, so I am staying at work. But I would soooooo much rather be somewhere else!

I would love to just sit and play the piano. Or my cello.

Play my instruments and clean my room.

Maybe I should have something fun I do. Something to look forward to every day after work. 

Something that is active. 

Like a swimming pool in the sky that is heated!

Or a cruise ship over the land!

yeah that's the life. 

Maybe something a little more realistic. Drawing, singing, dancing, something... beautiful.